My sexist twitter post and what I learned

 

Dear readers.

I have a confession, I ignorantly posted a sexist tweet/comment. I say ignorantly because I thought I was being silly or just ‘joking’, a simple tweet without a second thought. I went to bed thinking, oh someone will laugh at that comment. Boy was I wrong, and I did cop it, but I think they were lenient on me.

Anyhow, my intent is irrelevant, what I have learned is how my sexist remark, being innocent or not is part of the whole culture of sexism, not just in hacking or information security as an industry, but life.

This post is not to give an excuse, it is to show what I have learned from this experience, and to hope raise further awareness.

Due to the reaction my comment received I have done some research.

• This article titled: Sexism and the single hacker: Where are the women at Def Con?  (August 31, 2013) was a good read. Vegas is a place which is commonly known for booze, drugs and prostitutes/strippers, but as the article states it does not mean that is ok at a conference, or ok at all.
• There is also this article: Ending sexism in hacker culture: A work in progress (updated January 2nd 2013). This article covers the same Def Con game of Hacker Jeopardy as the above article. It is also updated with “Fighting sexism: an on-going process”. It is a good read. The following quote that I have made into a  screen shot is powerful.

• Before my sexist comment, I had read this article without thinking too much into it. “STOP SAYING "I HAVE A BOYFRIEND" TO DEFLECT UNWANTED ATTENTION” At the time I read it I was thinking yes that is true, women should not have to be taken for men to consider them ‘out of bounds’. I have been guilty of it, at a night club, being young and when the whole idea was to ‘get a girl’ (looking back now, I can see that even then it was sexist, the whole young culture is). When a girl is not interested, the first statement was ‘oh you have a boyfriend’, which in hindsight is not always the case. Women are allowed to not be interested due to many other facts than simply being taken.

A side question to the above: In order for someone to decide if your push is welcomed or unwelcomed your must ‘come on’ or show your attracted to a women in the first place . If a woman likes the attention, it is not sexist, but if she does not like it, it is sexist. This is not to be controversial, but as this would be a typical male response, has anyone thought on how to handle this. I can imagine someone would say well it is discrimination if an attractive male hits on a girl and an unattractive male hits on a girl the exact same way and one is considered sexist while the other isn't. Is this a chick before the egg kind of scenario, or am I completely off track with this one?

It is not an a + b = c scenario, however some food for thought perhaps.

• A video I had watched, again prior to my sexist comment: This is What Everyday Sexism Feels Like...to a Man

 

This video, is very off putting to watch. Especially to someone who generally thinks of himself as non sexist (me) but through ignorance continues the culture of sexism. The video is of a man walking a baby, where men are treated as a sex object. It is quite an eye opener, to women running down the street topless and females being the dominant sex, purposefully opposite to the real world. Quite sad once accepting it as it is. A man is being hit on by a group of women, and when he is repulsed they call him a skank, an eye opener to that of women in the real world being hit on by groups of guys, and if they do not like it, it is the woman's fault.

A side note to sexism in my Fiancé's experience

Again, I did not think too much of this, perhaps I am guilty of not accepting or seeing deeply into others situations.

My fiancé’ (lucky to have her now I think of it) and I opened a joint account, as I work full time, she was placed as the primary account holder. Despite this, the bank has sent a letter with my name on it, asking how I like the account etc. They never sent her a letter asking her the same thing, nor did they send a letter to the both of us.

She tried to get a credit card to build up credit  history. Having no credit history she was forced to have a supported credit card (not the right term), one with a $600 freeze on her own money, in case she did not pay her account. While signing up, the banker (probably male) told her that I (her fiancé’) could come in and get a credit card straight away. Now I have no credit history either, so why that is different I have no idea.

So even from a banks point of view, men are the dominant sex. She was very upset and angry, and I simply replied with ‘that is how the world is’, which neither helps or changes anything. I did say  I understood how she felt and she had every reason to feel that way, although it is not until now, that I truly understand how she felt/feels, and how ingrained the sexist culture towards women is.

I did not realise I was a contributor of sexism (like these articles) until it was pointed out

I felt completely terrible for my comment being taken as sexism, I would have never considered my self sexist. Yet now I realise that the comment was still made after I had clearly viewed awareness articles/videos of sexism.

So why did it take ‘being made a fool out of on twitter’ to realise that sexism has very deep roots?

Perhaps it is because whenever a sexism campaign is shown, it is at the very extreme (not meaning to say that it is rare) and that I was able to separate myself as being nowhere near what the campaigns show. This I would consider to be akin to road toll campaigns, where someone is texting or not paying attention and they are killed in some huge horrific car accident, I would never consider myself an idiot to do that, however just last night I was tired and hit a gutter driving home. I could have so easily been the exact reason for road toll campaigns, and yet I still did not think too much of it other than ‘oops’.

Perhaps it is not until the ego is smashed to pieces and one can take a step back, and say ‘oh I have made a really big mistake’ that one learns the most. But it should not take your own mistake, or a big mistake to learn something.

I do not have a solution to breaking the sexist culture, or to changing the opinion of everyday people to thinking they are not part of the problem, or as I mentioned above that they are not anywhere near like that shown in a sexist campaign. All I can say, is that I now have a greater understanding and awareness of sexism in hacking culture by having the car accident (to use the road toll analogy).

Having a greater awareness and understanding means?

As I always try to be more self aware and improve myself and be a better human being. Having a greater awareness allows me to not make the mistake again, to notice when small sexist things are being done (by small I mean not as noticeable) and to call them out. Hopefully I can help better things for everyone.

I still struggle with the pulling the racist or sexist card

Some thing's can be said with no prior thought of sexism or racism and people can just say you are racist or sexist in order to make your argument invalid. How is one to tell the difference? After my experience, I do not think it is worth the risk of getting it wrong, if someone wants to say you are racist or sexist just to cause a problem, that is fine, accept it, as you will never truly know.

If they feel you are being racist or sexist that is what matters. Try to not be too quick to shrug off someone being upset and feeling you are racist or sexist as just ‘playing that card’, as I have done many times.

 

The point of the post

The point of this post was to say I am sorry for being sexist. No excuses, only that I apologize and I will and can do better.

Hopefully my post can make others aware that being ignorant does not stop somebody being hurt, and it does not stop a sexist culture. One may consider themselves separate to a sexist culture, however it could be said that if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. Does that shake any bones?

I did try to write this post from the perspective of someone who has constantly been attacked or abused (perhaps not the correct terminology), trying to understand the real issues and not belittle any feelings. I hope I have achieved that.

 

Any feedback is welcome.

Cheers,

Haydn